Wear Clothes…Please

bathing beauties

Before you race to the pool or water park, may I share a heartfelt confession?   I really don’t want to see your belly button.  I’m sorry.  I don’t want to see your belly button if you weigh 400 pounds.  I don’t want to see your belly button if you weigh 100 pounds.  There are just parts of the average American human that I don’t want to see unless we ran off to Vegas and got married.  Did we get married last night?  If not, I’d like to pass on seeing your belly button and other crevices beyond description.

The last time I went to a water park it was a bizarre experience in human behavior.  My, oh my.  People completely forgot their clothes.  I saw things that should only be seen in a horror movie.  By the end of the day, I felt like I had married half of Indiana.

Don’t get me wrong.  I have no problem with the average one-piece bathing suit.  I have no problem with shorts or tank tops.  I don’t even have a problem with a fat hairy man wearing a swim suit with no t-shirt (as long as it’s not a Speedo).   Oh friend, trust me,  I’m all about tolerance in the area of bodily imperfections.  SO, whether you’re school-glue-white and chubby or whether you’re tan and toned, in my book you are equally welcome to come to the water park and enjoy a day in the sun.

What did you say?  Oh, what’s my feeling on men who have a lot of hair on their backs?  Again, I take a broad-minded view of tolerance and openness.  Hairy-backed men or women with a lot of cellulite or children with dirty finger nails are all to be treated with kindness at the water park.  All are welcome, friend!

Just wear decent clothing.  That’s all I’m requesting.  Stop and think before you leave the house.  Look in the mirror and ask yourself a few pivotal questions.  Are ALL bodily crevices covered and/or contained by this swim suit?  When I jump in the water will all bodily crevices REMAIN covered and/or contained by this swim suit?

Whether you weigh 400 pounds or 100 pounds, your clothing choice shouldn’t make you the center of attention.  Are you wearing something that makes everyone drop their drink and say, “Lawsy, I’m glad my granny isn’t here to see THAT.”  Yeah.  Might want to re-consider being an offense to the grannies of the world.  I know.  Some people like being the center of attention.  They need to get over themselves and give the rest of us a visual break.

In summary, don’t wear a swim suit that’s too small.  Men, you should never wear a Speedo.  Yes, I said never.  What?  You say you work out two hours a day and you’re 22 years old?  Yeah.  Still no Speedo.  Sorry.   Women, save the graphic visual display for your honeymoon.  Leave some things to the imagination.  Never forget the “no crevices” rule.  OK.  My work here is done.  Happy rest of the summer!

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Nancy
    Jul 02, 2019 @ 06:17:54

    Amen sister!

    Reply

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