Do you feel like a failure?

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Things I Meant To Do…

I’m 55 years old and there are a lot of things I haven’t done, things I fully intended to do.  I meant to learn how to play the guitar.  People who can play the guitar are always the cool people.  They look cool.  They act cool.  People who know how to play the guitar can reasonably dream of being the opening act for Reba McEntire’s comeback tour.  We all know the truth.  Reba would never hire a chubby 55-year-old woman to do stand-up comedy.  That’s just not the way life works.

I meant to order the Rosetta Stone program and become proficient in a foreign language.  Didn’t you?  Didn’t you watch those commercials and shout loudly, “I could do that!  I could learn Japanese on my lunch hour!”?  Yeah.  Me too.  But I haven’t.  I haven’t learned Japanese or Russian or French.  I used to know Spanish, but I haven’t practiced at all.  My lunch hour Spanish now consists of the phrase, “Can we get more tortilla chips?  Gracias.”

I meant to graduate from college.  I know.  That’s a big ol’ shock for some of you.  You’ve read my books or heard me speak and you just assumed I was a college graduate.  Life is funny like that, huh?   People assume I’m a college graduate because all the normal indicators are there.  My parents are teachers.  My husband is a college professor.  I can spell.  If college had been one big grown-up spelling bee, I can assure you I would have loved every minute.

I always dreamed of a college course where the professor walked in on the first day of class and said, “This class will be all about relationships and stand-up comedy and spelling.”  Yeah.  Take that, engineering folks.  Let’s see where the mathematicians are now.   Just kidding.  I love all of you math folks.  In fact, I fell in love with my college algebra tutor.  Math has been very good to me.  And yes, I’m sure a person can be a brilliant mathematician and a gifted motivational humorist all at the same time.  I mean, I’m 55 and have never met that person.  But I’m also someone who can’t play the guitar or speak Japanese.  So my life experiences are limited.

This December we’ll get all those annual Christmas letters from our highly-accomplished friends.  They’ll write about learning Russian and about their kids’ scholarships to Oxford and Princeton.  They’ll explain about the Mayan ruins they witnessed this summer and the new vacation house they bought outside Denver.  And me?  Well, I’ll write back and say, “We killed the tomatoes and the porch flowers again this year.   I still can’t play the guitar.  But I’m confident this is the year I’ll learn Japanese by listening to Rosetta Stone instruction on the way home from Dollar Tree.”

Actually, I’ll just smile and enjoy reading about their accomplishments from the warmth of our country home on the outskirts of Dresden.  I’ll hug my grown sons and be thankful for the blessing of their friendship.  I’ll kiss my husband and thank God I was so extremely deficient in algebra that I needed a tutor in the summer of ’87.  Yes, there are a lot of things I haven’t yet accomplished and that’s perfectly fine.  Oh, and Reba, if you’re reading this, please call me.

http://www.lisasmartt.com

Are you excited about school supplies?

school suppliesReady or Not, Here Comes School  (written in 2014) by Lisa Smartt

We have a sophomore and a senior this year.  In the last few days, people have asked both of them the age-old question, “Are you boys ready for school to start back?”  They sigh and smile and say something like, “Not really.”  Of course, we all know the truth.  It doesn’t matter whether they’re ready.  Ready or not, here comes school.

I’ve been a boy mom for a long time now.  Nothing should surprise me.  But every year on the night before the first day of school, I find myself having the same conversation with our boys.  It’s becoming a tradition of sorts.

It always starts with my being overly cheery about school in general.  “So, tomorrow’s the big day, huh?  New year.  New opportunities.  This is gonna be a great year, guys.  Seriously.  This is probably gonna be the best school year you’ve ever had.  I have a feeling you’ll learn more than you’ve ever learned!  Prepare for a truly amazing year!”

Boy 1:  “Uh huh.”

Boy 2:  “Uh huh.”

Despite their lack of enthusiasm, I’m not easily thwarted when it comes to back-to-school promotion and marketing.  “Oh, and I washed all your new clothes too and they’re hanging neatly in your closet just waiting for that first big day.  You guys are just gonna be too handsome!  New clothes, new year!  What could be better?   Have you decided what you’re wearing on the first day of school?”

Boy 1:  “I’ll decide in the morning.”

Boy 2:  “Mom, we’re not girls.”

“Oh, I know.  I just remember how much I always loved laying out what I was planning to wear on the first day of school.  Just going down memory lane, I guess.  Oh, and there’s nothing more fun than organizing all those pens and pencils and putting the notebook paper into all the multi-colored folders.  Do you need a Sharpie to label any of your school supplies?”

Boy 1:  “Mom, my supplies are all still in the bag.”

Boy 2:  “We won’t even get them out till we get to school probably.”

Our two sons are loving young men with bright futures. I’m perfectly fine with their current lack of enthusiasm regarding school supply preparedness. And yes,  only overly-enthusiastic moms like me use phrases like “school supply preparedness.” Every year after our “inspiring” back-to-school conversation, I take consolation in one thing.  I have a feeling both of our boys will eventually marry wonderful women and have daughters.   

Their daughters will probably say things like, “Daddy, look at my sparkly princess pencil case. Isn’t it dreamy, Daddy?” “Oh, Daddy, Amber said that Carla said that Naomi said that Jenna doesn’t want to be my best friend.  But she DOES want to be my best friend.  She told me so last week.  She even gave me her favorite peach lip gloss for the first day of school.”  “Daddy, everything in my backpack needs to be labeled properly!”

And after those detailed back-to-school conversations with their daughters, those fine men will probably call me on the phone just to say, “Thanks, Mom.”  And I’ll say with an honest heart and a tear in my eye, “It was my pleasure.”

Are you lazy in love?

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Are you Lazy in Love?

Here’s a quiz for all you married men and women out there.  Answer each question honestly and I’ll tell you how you rate in the romance department.

1. After my spouse cooks a delicious meal, I’m most likely to say:

a.Thank you, Sweetheart.  The food was extraordinary.

b.Do you know where the –BURP!- remote control is?

2. When your spouse talks about something good that happened at work, you’re more likely to say:

a. Honey, I’m proud of you.  I always knew you were smart and capable.

b. I smell the baby’s diaper.  Why don’t you prove your capability by changing it?

3. When you and your spouse have to be separated for more than one night, your parting words are:

a. I’ll be counting the hours until I see you again.  I’ll miss you and just remember, no one loves you like I do!

b. Tomorrow is trash day.  Don’t forget to carry it to the curb.  And don’t forget to take Junior to his t-ball game.  His uniform is in the dryer.  Don’t let him eat sugar.

4. After a relaxing dinner at home, you’re most likely to:

a. Stroll around the neighborhood holding hands and whispering romantic things in each other’s ears.

b. Sit in front of the tube drinking orange soda and wishing the kids hadn’t eaten all the Doritos.

5. You and your spouse dress up, get a babysitter, go out to eat, and have wonderful dates together:

a. every few weeks.

b. on anniversaries ending in the number “0.”

Romance.  Gosh darn it.  We all seem to get such a good start in this area and end up faltering somewhere in the “middle years.” Have any of you slipped into that obligatory morning/evening kissing pattern?  There’s nothing less romantic than the obligatory kiss.  Let’s be honest.  We’ve kissed our grandmas and puppies with more enthusiasm.

And don’t even think I’m focusing this blog post on men.  Women are equally at fault.  Men and women can easily get preoccupied and focused on things and people other than spouses.  Criticism can quickly become the primary mode of communication.  And let me be crystal clear.  Verbal criticism is death to romance.  Absolute death.

When Phil and I first married we lived in our own little world of romance.  We would go out to eat and shake our heads with pity at the couples who spent most of their time chewing or looking around.  We rejoiced that the horrid complacency we were witnessing was destined to never rear its ugly head in our unbelievably passionate and powerful union.  Yeah.  And we even used words like “unbelievably passionate and powerful union.”  I know.  It’s almost funny.  Years later, we believe the words “unbelievably passionate and powerful union” still apply.  We just sometimes get lazy.

We would never let our yard grow too high.  We would never forget to give children a meal.  But ironically, we sometimes forget to feed the romance in our marriage.  But it’s not too late for change, friend.

Kiss passionately every day.  Write love letters.  Have a lot more sex.  Schedule times for intimacy.  Serve each other.  Constantly.  Daily.  Don’t worry about what your spouse is doing.  Focus on your part.  The result?  You’ll be part of the romance revolution.  A revolution that honors God.  A revolution we desperately need.

For romance and laughter, check out my Doug and Carlie series, available in Kindle and paperback at the link below (And yes, there are a lot of FREE pages you can read of all 4 books at this Amazon link.  And I get it.  You love the word FREE.  I am with you, friend.  I am SO with you.):

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B074C76273/?ie=UTF8&crid=2NCYJG6PP4U66&keywords=doug%20and%20carlie%20series&qid=1563550251&ref_=sr_1_6&s=gateway&sprefix=doug%20and%20carlie%20series%2Caps%2C348&sr=8-6

 

Southern Summers and Sleeveless Shirts

I know.  Some of you are expecting this blog to be a tearful, poignant, and beautiful look at southern summers with all their glorious traditions.  Lightning bug catching in Aunt Lydia’s backyard.  Lemonade on the front porch.  Doing something, anything, “down by the creek.”  Fish fries at your Granddaddy’s house complete with homemade ice cream cranked out by Uncle George while he complained about local politics and young people’s lack of work ethic.  But I’ll save that kind of heartfelt nostalgia for the back page of “Southern Living” magazine.

I have a confession.  There’s only one time of year that I don’t really love being a southerner.  Summer.   It’s the excessive heat, the humidity, the mosquitoes, the sleeveless shirts.  OK.  It’s mostly the sleeveless shirts.  But the sleeveless shirts are a direct result of those other things, right?

I just can’t do sleeveless shirts.  I don’t have the necessary self-confidence.  I want to.  Oh friend, how I want to.  When it hits 98 degrees with a humidity of 117%, I desperately want to throw on a sleeveless shirt and feel good about it.  Proud even.  But no.

When it comes to sleeveless shirts, there are two things working against me.  No, I don’t mind talking about them.   The first thing is obvious to everyone.  I’m whiter than a piece of copy paper.  And I don’t mean the cream-colored paper that’s supposed to be easy on the eyes.  No.  I mean that stark white paper that’s a dollar cheaper because it causes blindness in infants and the elderly.  I’m whiter than that paper.  Seriously.  Parents have rushed to put sunglasses on their toddlers at the sight of my bare arms.  It’s embarrassing.

The second thing is that I’m jiggly.  You know, I have a lot of arm jiggle.  Your Aunt Bess had a lot of arm jiggle.  Remember?  You’d be working with her in the garden and she would enthusiastically raise her arm up and down to celebrate a particularly big zucchini squash.  And it was like a whole massive blob of white arm Jell-O was jumping up and down celebrating right along with her.  Oh, the memories.  The memories.  Yeah, I’m just like your Aunt Bess.  The sad thing?  I can’t even grow a decent zucchini squash.  Now you see why summer is so depressing for me.

I know.  Some of you successful, driven, Type A people are saying, “Lisa, just get some sun and lift some weights.  Tone those arms and stop complaining.”  You’re probably the same people who disinfect the shower every other day.   Let me guess, you got your online Masters degree while nursing twins and writing a Mediterranean cookbook.  Yeah.  I know your kind.  I respect you.  I do.  But I cannot be you.  If I could be you, I would have already grown a prize-winning zucchini squash.

Summer is here.  Sadly, I put away my tasteful and figure-flattering sweater sets.  But don’t worry.  Out of respect for small children and the elderly, I promise to wear summer clothing with some kind of sleeve…unless I’m mowing, weed eating, or gardening.  But don’t worry.  I do those things as often as I disinfect the shower.  Everyone’s summer is safe.Orlando, Florida, USA

Wear Clothes…Please

bathing beauties

Before you race to the pool or water park, may I share a heartfelt confession?   I really don’t want to see your belly button.  I’m sorry.  I don’t want to see your belly button if you weigh 400 pounds.  I don’t want to see your belly button if you weigh 100 pounds.  There are just parts of the average American human that I don’t want to see unless we ran off to Vegas and got married.  Did we get married last night?  If not, I’d like to pass on seeing your belly button and other crevices beyond description.

The last time I went to a water park it was a bizarre experience in human behavior.  My, oh my.  People completely forgot their clothes.  I saw things that should only be seen in a horror movie.  By the end of the day, I felt like I had married half of Indiana.

Don’t get me wrong.  I have no problem with the average one-piece bathing suit.  I have no problem with shorts or tank tops.  I don’t even have a problem with a fat hairy man wearing a swim suit with no t-shirt (as long as it’s not a Speedo).   Oh friend, trust me,  I’m all about tolerance in the area of bodily imperfections.  SO, whether you’re school-glue-white and chubby or whether you’re tan and toned, in my book you are equally welcome to come to the water park and enjoy a day in the sun.

What did you say?  Oh, what’s my feeling on men who have a lot of hair on their backs?  Again, I take a broad-minded view of tolerance and openness.  Hairy-backed men or women with a lot of cellulite or children with dirty finger nails are all to be treated with kindness at the water park.  All are welcome, friend!

Just wear decent clothing.  That’s all I’m requesting.  Stop and think before you leave the house.  Look in the mirror and ask yourself a few pivotal questions.  Are ALL bodily crevices covered and/or contained by this swim suit?  When I jump in the water will all bodily crevices REMAIN covered and/or contained by this swim suit?

Whether you weigh 400 pounds or 100 pounds, your clothing choice shouldn’t make you the center of attention.  Are you wearing something that makes everyone drop their drink and say, “Lawsy, I’m glad my granny isn’t here to see THAT.”  Yeah.  Might want to re-consider being an offense to the grannies of the world.  I know.  Some people like being the center of attention.  They need to get over themselves and give the rest of us a visual break.

In summary, don’t wear a swim suit that’s too small.  Men, you should never wear a Speedo.  Yes, I said never.  What?  You say you work out two hours a day and you’re 22 years old?  Yeah.  Still no Speedo.  Sorry.   Women, save the graphic visual display for your honeymoon.  Leave some things to the imagination.  Never forget the “no crevices” rule.  OK.  My work here is done.  Happy rest of the summer!

Cell Phones in Church?

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Technology.  Most of us love to rail against it while simultaneously checking Facebook like a chain smoker.  Today we’re going to feature a question from a reader and my response which I know will cause people to both love and hate me.  Don’t worry.  I can take it.  Here’s to our love/hate relationship with those blasted cell phones.  Lord, give me strength.

Dear Lisa,

I have witnessed numerous teenagers bringing their cell phones to church and being too busy texting to hear their Sunday school lesson or better yet the preacher’s sermon. Is this disrespectful to God or is it just me being from an older generation where this was unheard of?  I don’t know if this is anything you’d like to write about, but I wouldn’t mind reading your thoughts regarding this problem. I would also like to remain anonymous.

Thank you!

Sincerely,

Concerned Citizen Tired of Young People Being Ridiculous

(Okay.  The letter is real.  But yes, I made up the name.  You already figured that out, right?)

Dear Concerned,

I often long for bygone days when cell phones were only owned by brain surgeons and bail bondsmen.   But alas, now the average 14-year-old is evidently in such incredible demand that he or she needs to be on call 24 hours a day.  Personally, I don’t know one 14-year-old who could bail you out of jail or remove a tumor from your cerebral cortex.  So it makes no sense to me.

But despite our disdain, cell phones are here to stay.  Well, unless something even cooler than a cell phone comes out.  Don’t be surprised if manufacturers figure a way to install a chip in your child’s brain which will give them the power to instantly “message” friends day or night with important information about American Idol and the cutest boy at school.  Yes, I know.  They could also message back and forth about the history assignment.  But they won’t.  Go figure.

However, you may be a bit surprised by my answer regarding cell phone use at church.  My husband is a techie.  He hasn’t read a Bible with paper pages in years and years.  He reads the Bible on his iPad and his iPhone.   When we read the Bible together in the mornings, again, it’s always on an electronic device. I can assure you he stays on the text during church or sometimes scrolls down for reference materials related to the text.  If the pastor is speaking about the temple, I’ll look over and see that Phil has pulled up an illustration of the temple on his iPad.  It’s a great reference tool.  So, just be aware that some church-going techies might actually be on the Bible lesson being discussed.  In fact, this is becoming more and more prevalent.

Now, to those who are actually messaging or receiving messages during church (or ANY place where someone is speaking up front) allow me to be crystal clear.  No.  Just no.

Church is a joyful sacred time to hear the word of God and encourage others with the gospel of Christ.  So, dear precious readers young or old, unless you’re on call with a job or  you need to remove a tumor from someone’s head, please stop messaging during church.  Stop checking FB to see if your old high school friends are thinner than you.  Stop looking at cute cat videos on Instagram.  Stop reading emails from your stock broker.  It’s rude and frankly, ridiculous.  I hope that was clear.  If not, feel free to message me (just not on Sunday morning).

 

Teenagers Need You!

Arkansas 4H

I don’t wear skinny jeans.  If I did wear skinny jeans, the jeans could no longer be called skinny.  I wear orthopedic shoes too.  You know the kind of shoes your grandma wore?  Yes.  I love those shoes.  I embrace those shoes.  Those shoes keep my 55-year-old feet happy.  And when a woman’s feet are happy, the sun shines brightly all over the world.

The truth?  I wasn’t cool even when I was sixteen.  I was awkward.  Painfully awkward.  Of course, now I’m thankful for that teenage awkwardness because I learned so many things that help me as a speaker and a writer.  But at the time, I remember thinking I couldn’t wait to be free from the whole teenage scene.   I would happily be a grown-up and never look back.

So you can imagine my shock a few years ago when people started to ask me to speak at events targeted at teenagers.  My first thought was, “Are you kidding?  Absolutely not.  I am NOT the right speaker for teenagers.  I don’t wear cool clothes.  I never went to prom.  I hate current pop music.   I refuse to use teenage lingo.  Oh, and I wear orthopedic shoes, remember?”  But by God’s grace, I didn’t say those things aloud.  I simply said, “Yes.”

I still remember that first event years ago.   I stood in front of 500 teenagers in Nashville and said, “I get it.  I’m not cool.  Let’s be honest.  I’m not even as cool as your mom.  I’m probably not as cool as your grandma.  I drove a ’73 Gremlin in high school.  Most of my high school classmates don’t remember my name because I was invisible back then.  Truthfully, being in front of you today kind of terrifies me.  But I’m here to tell you something important because I care about you.   The life inside these walls?  This teenage world?  Well, it’s not the real world.  Not at all.”  I pointed to the auditorium door and the crowd fell silent.  “The world out that door doesn’t care if you are ‘somebody’ in this high school.  Not one person outside that door cares if you were on every page of the yearbook or if you didn’t even show up for pictures.  They don’t.  That’s just the truth.”

I talked about the things that matter in life.   The things that never stop mattering.  Kindness.  Selflessness.  Elbow grease.  Humility.  Respect in guy/girl relationships.  I reminded those teenagers that their intelligence is a gift but it would never insure their success.  Not at all.  I’d rather hire a kid with average or below average intelligence who will work cheerfully than a smart kid who complains.  Whining makes young people (or adults) seem immature and ridiculous.  Yes, I told funny stories.  I tried to season my words with humor and humility.  But mostly?  Well, mostly, I just told them the truth.

We live in a world filled with adults trying to be “cool enough” to relate to teenagers.  But that’s completely backwards.  Teenagers don’t need lessons on how to be teenagers.  They need lessons on how to be grown-up.  They’re crying out for someone to love them enough to tell them the truth.  Trust me.  They won’t even notice your shoes.

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